January 28, 2011

NOTE: The following conversation(s) took place over the phone.
Man 1: I'm looking for a movie, I think it's called Gary the Tennis Coach.
Employee: I'm not seeing that we carry that.
Man 1: It has the American Pie guy. It actually looks really funny. Dennis Quaid is in it.
Employee: Yeah, I'm not seeing it.
Man 1: Wait, I think it's called Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach.
Employee: Oh, yeah, we have that.
Man 1: And it has Dennis Quaid, right?
Employee: Yeah, it looks like it has a Quaid.
Man 1: Are you sure it's not Randy? I can't deal with that schizophrenic guy.
Employee: I'm pretty sure it's Dennis.
Man 1: Okay, so you do have it though?
Employee: Yeah.
Man 1: Okay, good. Wow, I've called thirteen other stores and none of them have it. Have you seen it?
Employee: No, I haven't.
Man 1: It looks really, really funny.
Employee: I'll go ahead and set it aside for you.
Man 1: So you have it then. Okay, I'll be there later today to pick it up.

Four hours later.

Man 2: Hi, I tried to call earlier but my brother yanked the phone chord from the wall.
Employee: Uh-oh.
Man 2: Are you holding a copy of Larry the Cable Guy for someone?
Employee: No, it doesn't look like it.
Man 2: I'm sorry, it's called Gary the Tennis Coach.
Employee: Yeah, we're holding that.
Man 2: Okay, here's the deal. My brother called earlier to set that movie aside and he's crazy. He called ten other video stores in town. He went to one video store that had it and they actually had to call the cops on him. He's crazy and he has an obsession with Dennis Quaid. Please, if he comes in do not rent to him and call the police.
Employee: [laughs nervously] Okay.
Man 2: Seriously, if he comes in your store call the police.

EPILOGUE: Dennis Quaid does not star in "Balls Out: Gary the Tennis Coach"; it's his schizophrenic brother, Randy.